Leaving London

We are leaving London tomorrow. I have been ambivalent and unemotional about it until tonight when we had farewell drinks with some close friends. Saying goodbye was not hard because I had it in my head that I was just going home and I'd probably see them again soon--we'd meet up at a pub for the next big World Cup match or something. We took a taxi home and, watching the places where I lived my life for the last three years, I began to feel sad that these fond memories and this 'love of place' I seem to have developed would start to fade the minute I left London behind.

Then for some reason I began to think about those ads all over London about how you shouldn't take an unlicensed taxi cab or you might end up being robbed, raped or murdered. I looked at the none-too-friendly cab driver and briefly thought, 'We'll be lucky to get out of London alive!' And then realized I was probably doing what I have been doing--avoiding my real feelings about leaving. I have been really unhappy in London and really desperate to get back to the States, but now that I know I'm going to law school, I realize I was unhappy with my situation rather than my location. London is a pretty rad place. I'm really glad I had the opportunity to live here.

The significance of this move has also begun to dawn on me. There is a line (is it Ecclesiastes?) about putting childish things behind you. I think I've come to that moment in my life. I think I have finally become an adult (or at least, have got my foot firmly planted in adult territory) after spending all my childhood trying to be one. I think I've also realized now that I was not seeking adulthood--I was seeking liberty and independence, the freedom to do what I wanted, as I wanted. Now, as I think about what my life will be for the next three years and all the years that follow, I am grieving a little bit for that freedom of youth that comes with little responsibility. I think I will probably look back and think of these London years as some of the best of my life.